I hated him for it.
For what he made me do.
But it forever changed my life.
We worked together during one of the darkest periods of my life. My work was sucking my soul; my marriage was crumbling; and I was about to become a single dad to my three youngest kids.
I was angry, anxious, sad, depressed.
I needed a therapist.
I found Irv.
One of the most skilled I’d ever met.
Irv would move seamlessly through therapeutic frameworks: cognitive behavioral; psychodynamic; Gestalt. Humanistic therapies. Mindfulness based therapies. Even the Bob Newhart “Just Stop It” therapy.
Whatever worked, Irv used it.
As he was in the later years of his practice, the common framework of a 45 minute hour was a rather fluid one for Irv. Sometimes it might be 45 minutes. Sometimes two hours.
Whatever it took to get the job done.
I’d cry; and sob; and complain; and whine; and yell; and rant.
Irv would hold the space with such compassion and love.
And, as the energies would settle, there would always come that moment.
That moment when Irv would hand me the yellow legal pad and #2 pencil that he kept next to his wingback chair.
And ask me the question, “So what are you going to do now?”
“Write it down,” he’d say.
Because this therapy thing wasn’t about vast and half vast ideas; it wasn’t about bellowing into an empty echo chamber; it wasn’t about navel-gazing.
It wasn’t even about self-understanding per se.
It was about agency. Self-efficacy.
Creating a future. For myself, and for those I loved.
This moment in time that we’re experiencing together is especially challenging.
There’s a lot to cry and sob and complain about.
We need to whine and yell and rant.
To experience the anxiety and the fear and the sadness.
To feel all the feels.
And then…
To ask the question: What will I do now?
Because, there’s a lot to do right now.
Yes. It all feels daunting. Overwhelming even.
You may have no clue where to begin.
Begin wherever your heart draws you to begin.
That cause that you feel passionate about: climate change; immigration; systemic injustice; poverty; affordable housing; trans phobia; racism; food insecurity.
A letter to the editor; an article on Substack; a meeting; a rally; a political action group; an email to your congress person.
Become an activist. Volunteer at a shelter. Raise money.
“We can’t all do great things,” Mother Teresa once said. “But we can all do small things with great love.”
Because whether small or great, action is the antidote to despair and helplessness.
And the key to a brighter future.
Irv is long gone. But he still whispers in my ear.
As I do here in yours.
“So what will you do now?”
