What is essential is invisible to the eye.
— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
I have a confession to make: I loved the old James Bond movies.
Dr. No was the first. The inimitable Sean Connery played Bond. Julius No was the villain, Dr. No.
But these days, I tend to think that anyone with doctoral level skills in “No” ought to play the hero.
I gave a workshop recently on productivity and work- life balance.
As I was preparing for the workshop, I saw a colleague of mine, Sandy, at a conference.
Sandy called out to me across the hallway, “Walt, I hear you’re giving the seminar on life balance.”
“Yes,” I said. “Are you coming?”
Breathlessly (because Sandy always breathless and in a hurry), Sandy replied, “No, can’t, have no time.”
We both chuckled about how ridiculous that sounded. But as ridiculous as it may have been, it is, for most of us, not only irony but truth.
We have no time to get balanced because we’re so out of balance. And breathless.
Saying “no” might help.
But that’s super challenging. You want to please others and be seen as affable. If you get asked to contribute in some way to a church or school or community event, your knee-jerk reaction is to say yes. And if you dare to say no, it’s not without some chagrin and guilt.
Parents are particularly prone to “yes.” We’re hard-wired to want the best for our kids. We’re hard-wired to want to see them happy. Most of the time, in our minds, the “best,” or what we think will make them “happy,” is to say “yes” to whatever the request is. Even when saying “no” may be the “right” response.
Helping professionals are especially at risk. We get paid to come to the rescue. And coming to the rescue feeds our sense of self-worth. The more we say yes, the more meaning and significance we feel. Even when saying “yes” places us at risk for divorce, depression, and burn-out.
Not only that, saying lots of yeses and staying busy is, for many, a badge of honor.
You gotta be busy. Because being busy is to be important, we think. To be busy is to have worth, we think.
The problem, of course, is that by continually saying yes, we become stretched too thin, over-extended. Depleted. Worth-less.
I really like the Pareto Principal. It’s also called the 80/20 rule.
Tim Ferriss in his provocative book The 4-Hour Work Week, says, “When I came across Pareto’s work one late evening, I had been slaving away with 15-hour days seven days per week, feeling completely overwhelmed and generally helpless.”
Overwhelmed and helpless ring any bells? I know that I am susceptible to this!
“Faced with certain burnout or giving Pareto’s ideas a trial run, I opted for the latter,” Ferriss says. “The next morning, I began a dissection of my business and personal life through the lenses of two questions:
1. Which 20% of sources are causing 80% of my problems and unhappiness?
2. Which 20% of sources are resulting in 80% of my desired outcomes and happiness?”
What are the 20% of the customers or clients that give you 80% of the headaches? Get rid of them. What is the 20% of your work that gives you 80% of your joy? Focus on it.
Who are the 20% of people who produce 80% of your happiness, who support and encourage you? Who are the 20% who cause the 80% of your angst?
You get the idea.
You know you take on too much.
Especially during the holidays.
Say no more often. Say yes only to what is essential. Say yes to what brings you joy.