I grew up with ZERO understanding of the process. I chalk this up to the alcoholic dynamic that played out in our household. One minute–OK, this would go on for hours, but who’s counting– my father would be drinking and raging, tearing into my mother, sending the family scrambling for cover; the next day, we’d all sit around the breakfast table, a smile plastered on our faces, eating burnt pancakes as if nothing untoward had happened. Not a mention of the turmoil the night before. Not a frown, not a pout, not a put-upon sniffle. Nada.
Peace returned to the forest, as if by magic.
Ignore it and it will all go away…eventually. Try taking this conflict resolution strategy into a marriage.
Needless to say, Walt adored this approach!
The idea that conflict recovery involves a number of steps–that injured parties require time to sort out their feelings, that an issue has to be spoken to, even if imperfectly, until it can be put to bed; that this new understanding can subsequently be used to strengthen the relationship–took me YEARS to wrap my head around.
I learned that by going through this seemingly tenuous process, not only did my marriage evolve into something pretty amazing, I became someone else; someone stronger, more confident, more self aware. More forgiving of myself and others.
None of us get those associated benefits by ignoring shit or skimming across the surface. You have to work the process, as uncomfortable as it may be.
Which is probably why I despise marketing promises that defy the laws of process.
Write a book in a weekend? I don’t think so…(insert put-upon sniffle).
If you want to know what the book writing process looks like, for realz, click HERE.
And it kills me that this hype sells because we all want to believe it’s that easy! That if we just plop down $1997, magic steps in and takes the helm. No pain, no uncertainty, no self-doubt, no practice-makes-perfect, just the desired result.
As if we can somehow reap the benefits–a clear understanding of ourselves and our imperfect journey, of our mission and message; what it is we do for others and, more importantly, why–with ZERO effort.
My dad used to say, “If it were easy, everyone would be doing it.” He was wrong about a lot of things, but not this. In short, stop looking for the goddamned shortcut because there isn’t one.
Anyway, my dead dad and I aren’t alone in our disdain for promises of quick fixes that eliminate all pain…
This week, my mentor, digital-marketing expert Jeff Walker–by the way, I have the opportunity to interview him about his brand new book in a couple of weeks, so stay tuned– had this to say about the need to fall in love with the process.
My friend Carl Ficks, who helps busy professionals reclaim their wellness, went off on a toot about some bariatric surgery billboard promising weight loss miracles. This, as opposed to eating right and exercising, which, granted, looks inconvenient.
And this recent post I ran across on Instagram, written by Rich Roll, author of Finding Ultra, Revised and Updated Edition: Rejecting Middle Age, Becoming One of the World’s Fittest Men, and Discovering Myself
Rich is a guy who went from being a fat, alcoholic, couch potato to completing something like 5 Ironman Triathlons in as many days. A dude who went from zero to sixty in an unheard-of six months.
(A while back, I wrote about his book HERE.)
I’m just going to lift Rich’s post in its entirety.
Nobody’s success is overnight. Nobody’s success happens in a mere year. Nobody.
I could not have accomplished my success as an athlete without years spent swimming 4 hours a day.
I could not have accomplished my success as a writer without a lifelong passion for words. Before any book, there were countless term papers, college essays, daily journals, short stories, legal briefs, blog posts and countless books read.
I could not have accomplished my success as a podcaster without spending decades in AA learning how to listen, converse and share with honesty and vulnerability. A decade-plus spent as a lawyer, learning how to ask questions, stress-test ideas and form arguments. And getting the show up every single week no matter what long before I was actually good at it (or it generated a dime).
I could not have a successful marriage, shown up as a present parent, maintained good friendships or achieved any semblance of true emotional sobriety without decades dedicated to (imperfectly) doing the inside work—sobriety, therapy, accountability & communication.
What I’m really saying is that it’s taken me 5 decades of repeatedly getting my ass kicked—making mistakes and picking myself up—to hone the maturity and humility I believe is necessary to responsibly shoulder a life that is now well beyond anything I dreamed it could be.
Nothing good comes easy. Nothing great comes fast. It’s earned. And that takes time. It takes patience. It takes devotion to process. It requires resilience and persistence. And it demands, perhaps more than anything, an almost religious (and at times irrational) devotion to consistent action sustained over great periods of time—plying your thing day in day out in obscurity no matter what and for as long as it fucking takes.
If you’re stuck, I feel you. If you’re lost, I’ve been there. If you’re frustrated with your current lot in life, welcome.
Nobody’s success is overnight. Nobody’s success happens in a mere year. Nobody.
So resist indulging in negative self-worth. Chart your course. Keep showing up. Stay the path. Toss out the timeline.
And I’ll see you in 2031.